Correction...

He's 31.


Things are still not good. We're more just like...average friends than a couple. We haven't exchanged any affection since I got back. We haven't touched at all. No hug, no kiss, nothing. It's making me very sad.

You! Me! Crying!

I need someone to talk to. I feel so unhappy with my relationship but I have nobody that I can turn to. They're all either his friends too...or just...it's not appropriate. Apparently glandular fever not only triggers severe exhaustion, but sometimes also depression. I'm struggling with myself at the moment.
He's out at his new friend's house 'watching a dvd'. When I mentioned yesterday that I would be in Stirling if he cared to hang out he told me he'd be doing his essay. Since I changed my mind and came home, he seems to have plenty of time to socialise. All I'm asking for is a little time and attention.
Like T said though, he's 30, nobody's gonna change him now, least of all me.

Agh.

I miss Phil.

Don't Give Up The Fight!

I feel like I truly am losing battle I don't even want to be fighting. I love my boyfriend so much but he doesn't show me any love at all. I genuinely don't think he cares for me anymore, as he has been nothing but cold towards me over the past few weeks. I fell quite ill last week and he has barely shown any interest or care. I've since gone home and have barely heard from him. I don't know what to do, how to revive it. Leave him alone? Perhaps. This is killing me inside, I feel so sad. Just a month ago we were coming home from Paris.
Oh I love him.
I wish I had someone to talk to.

A few little things...

What have you learned about relationships?That I'm not very good at them. I fall into them too deeply and end up getting hurt. But I love them.

Who are the three girls you trust most?Emma, Dawn and probably Wee Laura.

Do you ever think "what if" about anything? Yeah, usually "what if I hadn't said that." I tend to talk pish too much. To and about Mark.

Have you ever regretted anything?Yes :( mostly stuff like 3 years ago really. (But like the Butthole Surfers said, it's better to regret something you did, than something you didn't do.)

Do you judge people you don't know?Constantly. Especially dickheads in the cinema.

Who/what is on your mind right now? My boy, since he is ill. And Big Brother because im getting obsessed.

When was the last time you felt like your heart was actually breaking?Mhhhhhh about 3 days ago hahaha. I hadn't seen Mark in like a week. Pathetic I know.

What was your last text saying and who was it from?A text from Andy calling me legend for doing his shift.

How does it feel to live your life?Strange. But amazing too. I've met so many amazing people and loved so many amazing people, it's been good so far.

Are you happy with the way things are going?Never been happier with the way things are heading, I hope it never ends.

Have you ever made out in a bathroom?Yesssss. Durty Bitch.

Has more than one person ever told you they're in love with you? Yesssss. A few maybe ;)

Who was your last hug?Marko <3 href="http://www.dlisted.com/">http://www.dlisted.com/

Is anything alive in your room?Not currently. Usually theres me/mark/mark's socks but I had a tidy out and mark is at home being sick. Mm.

Today, would you rather go back a week or go forward a week ? Hard one. Though I was sad last week. Forward, then I'd miss Team Leader week, I'd be a week closer to my birthday, Paris and Pay Day :D Hell yes forward please!!!

Weird

I love my boyfriend so much. I feel like I could be with him the rest of my life. I could see him being a father, he can see himself being a father. I respect him, adore him, need him.

But it's strange, that I can't stop thinking about how things were 3 years ago. It's affecting my relationship in strange ways.

oooh

2 weeks and 2 days until we are in Madrid! Then Toledo, Bilbao.....and who knows.



I chose him.

Get out my life.

Why does she always have such an angry look on her face. Maybe it's because no man has come near her in months. Actually, probably years, unless it's for sex.
I wish she would stop slamming all the doors and being a complete bitch.
I wish I had nothing to do with her.
I wish I wasn't here!!!!
I wish she wasn't in my house.

Crumbling...

I knew it would eventually. My mental health is questionable at the moment. I am beginning to have doubts about people. People who do actually love me and care for me. Then again maybe they are having doubts too. I don't know why I don't write the truth about what goes on inside my head. Probably because I don't actually understand it myself. Sometimes I'm okay, I was actually really well for a few months there. Suddenly I feel like my world has fallen apart. Though nothing has changed. I wake up irritated by everything. I want to cry all the time. I hate being alone, yet I hate being with people, unless it's him. Yet there are flashes where I feel fine, though at the moment those are few and far between.

Description of Bipolar DisorderSome people who experience clinical depression also have periods of euphoria, elation, sleeplessness, excessive energy, and/or excitement known as mania. Though the diagnosis formally requires only one mania per year, in actuality, patients can fluctuate from depression to mania several times a year. More than four manic episodes in a year is considered “rapid cycling bipolar disorder.”
During a euphoric, manic phase, some people go on spending sprees or stints of sexual activity, act impulsively, or display exhibitionistic behavior. Though the person may feel euphoric, they may also feel irritable or upset. This is called dysphoric mania.
The depression of bipolar disorder is indistinguishable from the unipolar varieties. The pattern of mild or severe mania in addition to depression is what may warrant the diagnosis of bipolar disorder. Many people experience a predominance of episodes of one mood over the other, with occasional shifts to the opposite state. Rare individuals experience elevated mood alone.
Rapid-cycling bipolar disorder is characterized by four or more episodes of significant mood changes within a single 12-month period. Less severe manic episodes are known as hypomania, and when these episodes are interspersed with periods of depression it is known as bipolar disorder type II.

Photo (c) ME.

...

For once I don't want to go home, because it means that he's not around.

Finland or Spain?
Daddy or Chips?

Walking round GLSGW town...

I'm actually in love again. I never thought it would happen, and I especially didn't think it'd be with someone like him. I don't mean that in a bad way, I just didn't.
And I didn't think he'd feel the same way.

It scares me how perfect it is.
The age gap scares me more. He's been and done all the changin'. I still have a long way to go.

Hmmmm....

For now though, I couldn't be happier.

"Ireland has never looked so good!"

A lot has happened since my last post.

I dated a guy for a couple of months there, his name was Kevin, he was lovely. I broke up with him because I met someone else. I feel like I'm passing on some bad karma that was given to me a long time ago.

I really want a cigarette but nowhere is open and I don't have a lighter.

So now I'm dating a wonderful Irish man. He's from Galway...he's 30.
So that's an interesting 11 years of difference. I met him at work. I have a new job, again. I no longer work for HMV, but Vue, the cinema chain. It's not bad, I get to go to the cinema for free, with friends. All the staff are amazing too. Especially him. We both study journalism together. Who knows, maybe in 10 years time we could be the Lois Lane / Clark Kent of the Daily Record. (See what I did there?). Doubt it though.

Tomorrow I fly out to Dublin to see Dawn for a weekend. I'm very excited.

For now though, I have an essay to write which is due in in 13 hours. I'm going to be very tired tomorrow!

I shall update this more now...I finally fixed my wireless thing on my laptop. (or the laptop doctor did....)

Mucho amore

xxxxxxx