Monday, May 11, 2009
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Thursday, October 16, 2008
He's out at his new friend's house 'watching a dvd'. When I mentioned yesterday that I would be in Stirling if he cared to hang out he told me he'd be doing his essay. Since I changed my mind and came home, he seems to have plenty of time to socialise. All I'm asking for is a little time and attention.
Like T said though, he's 30, nobody's gonna change him now, least of all me.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
I feel like I truly am losing battle I don't even want to be fighting. I love my boyfriend so much but he doesn't show me any love at all. I genuinely don't think he cares for me anymore, as he has been nothing but cold towards me over the past few weeks. I fell quite ill last week and he has barely shown any interest or care. I've since gone home and have barely heard from him. I don't know what to do, how to revive it. Leave him alone? Perhaps. This is killing me inside, I feel so sad. Just a month ago we were coming home from Paris.
Oh I love him.
I wish I had someone to talk to.
Thursday, August 07, 2008
Who are the three girls you trust most?Emma, Dawn and probably Wee Laura.
Do you ever think "what if" about anything? Yeah, usually "what if I hadn't said that." I tend to talk pish too much. To and about Mark.
Have you ever regretted anything?Yes :( mostly stuff like 3 years ago really. (But like the Butthole Surfers said, it's better to regret something you did, than something you didn't do.)
Do you judge people you don't know?Constantly. Especially dickheads in the cinema.
Who/what is on your mind right now? My boy, since he is ill. And Big Brother because im getting obsessed.
When was the last time you felt like your heart was actually breaking?Mhhhhhh about 3 days ago hahaha. I hadn't seen Mark in like a week. Pathetic I know.
What was your last text saying and who was it from?A text from Andy calling me legend for doing his shift.
How does it feel to live your life?Strange. But amazing too. I've met so many amazing people and loved so many amazing people, it's been good so far.
Are you happy with the way things are going?Never been happier with the way things are heading, I hope it never ends.
Have you ever made out in a bathroom?Yesssss. Durty Bitch.
Has more than one person ever told you they're in love with you? Yesssss. A few maybe ;)
Who was your last hug?Marko <3 href="http://www.dlisted.com/">http://www.dlisted.com/
Is anything alive in your room?Not currently. Usually theres me/mark/mark's socks but I had a tidy out and mark is at home being sick. Mm.
Today, would you rather go back a week or go forward a week ? Hard one. Though I was sad last week. Forward, then I'd miss Team Leader week, I'd be a week closer to my birthday, Paris and Pay Day :D Hell yes forward please!!!
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Monday, June 09, 2008
Sunday, May 04, 2008
I wish she would stop slamming all the doors and being a complete bitch.
I wish I had nothing to do with her.
I wish I wasn't here!!!!
I wish she wasn't in my house.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
During a euphoric, manic phase, some people go on spending sprees or stints of sexual activity, act impulsively, or display exhibitionistic behavior. Though the person may feel euphoric, they may also feel irritable or upset. This is called dysphoric mania.
The depression of bipolar disorder is indistinguishable from the unipolar varieties. The pattern of mild or severe mania in addition to depression is what may warrant the diagnosis of bipolar disorder. Many people experience a predominance of episodes of one mood over the other, with occasional shifts to the opposite state. Rare individuals experience elevated mood alone.
Rapid-cycling bipolar disorder is characterized by four or more episodes of significant mood changes within a single 12-month period. Less severe manic episodes are known as hypomania, and when these episodes are interspersed with periods of depression it is known as bipolar disorder type II.
Photo (c) ME.
Friday, April 18, 2008
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
And I didn't think he'd feel the same way.
It scares me how perfect it is.
The age gap scares me more. He's been and done all the changin'. I still have a long way to go.
For now though, I couldn't be happier.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
I dated a guy for a couple of months there, his name was Kevin, he was lovely. I broke up with him because I met someone else. I feel like I'm passing on some bad karma that was given to me a long time ago.
I really want a cigarette but nowhere is open and I don't have a lighter.
So now I'm dating a wonderful Irish man. He's from Galway...he's 30.
So that's an interesting 11 years of difference. I met him at work. I have a new job, again. I no longer work for HMV, but Vue, the cinema chain. It's not bad, I get to go to the cinema for free, with friends. All the staff are amazing too. Especially him. We both study journalism together. Who knows, maybe in 10 years time we could be the Lois Lane / Clark Kent of the Daily Record. (See what I did there?). Doubt it though.
Tomorrow I fly out to Dublin to see Dawn for a weekend. I'm very excited.
For now though, I have an essay to write which is due in in 13 hours. I'm going to be very tired tomorrow!
I shall update this more now...I finally fixed my wireless thing on my laptop. (or the laptop doctor did....)
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Saturday, October 27, 2007
Monday, October 22, 2007
Everyone is away and I'm here meant to be doing essays but that isn't really happening.
I want him to come back...........so we can watch movies.
Friday, October 19, 2007
I wish I was a sacrifice but somehow still lived on
I wish I was a sentimental ornament you hung on The Christmas tree,
I wish I was the star that went on top
I wish I was the evidence,
I wish I was the grounds
For 50 million hands upraised and open toward the sky
I wish I was a sailor with someone who waited for meI
wish I was as fortunate, as fortunate as me
I wish I was a messenger and all the news was good
I wish I was the full moon shining off a Camaro's hood
I wish I was an alien at home behind the sun
I wish I was the souvenir you kept your house key on
I wish I was the pedal brake that you depended on
I wish I was the verb 'to trust' and never let you down
I wish I was a radio song, the one that you turned up
Pearljam. That hit me right in the throat there. And this isn't about who you'd imagine....
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
What happens if you like two people...both of whom are friends of one of your best friends? I mean if I were to go with either of them...and it fucks up, it kinda fucks everything up? I mean even just looking from past experience, someone is gonna lose the friend in the middle. I dont want to lose that friend. So therefore I cannot go for either of them. So to conclude there is no point in any of this flirting and I should just go home and watch sex and the city by myself and think about what was almost done.
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Monday, October 08, 2007
Feeling a bit confused again.
Feeling kinda indifferent.
Trying to forget 'The Unpleasantness'.
Pastures new however in the forms of work, love and friends. WOO!
Almost new blog time *countdown*
Sunday, October 07, 2007
I want to forget he even existed. What's the point in remembering now? Apparently there isn't one. Move one.
Well I held you like a lover:
And your elbow in the appropriate place.
And we ignored our others:
With a delicate look upon your face.
Our bodies moved and hardened:
Hurting parts of your garden
With no room for a pardon
In a place
Where no one knows
What we have done.
Do you cum?
Together ever with him?
And is he dark enough?
Enough to see your light?
And do you brush your teeth before you kiss?
Do you miss my smell?
And is he bold enough to take you on?
Do you feel like you belong?
And does he drive you wild?
Or just mildly free?
What about me?
Well you held me like a lover:
And my foot in the appropriate place.
And we use cushions to cover:
In the mild issue of our disgrace.
Our minds pressed and guarded:
While our flesh disregarded
The lack of space
For the light-hearted
In the boom
That beats our drum.
Well I know I make you cry
And I know sometimes you wanna die
But do you really feel alive
If so: be free.
If not: leave him for me.
Before one of us has accidental babies.
For We are in love.
Do you cum?
Together ever with him?
And is he dark enough?
Enough to see your light?
And do you brush your teeth before you kiss?
Do you miss my smell?
Is he bold enough to take you on?
Do you feel like you belong?
And does he drive you wild?
Or just mildly free?
What about me?
What about me?
[DR Accidental Babies]
I miss Stirling. Considering doing a year abroad in Helsinki. Why can I never make my mind up on anything?
Tuesday, October 02, 2007
Thursday, September 27, 2007
What I write here is what I feel. What I write here are things that I wouldn't normally say. This is a place to vent. What emotion I am venting varies, but it is still releasing something none the less. Y'know, maybe I just wanted you to feel how I did? Then again, maybe I thought you would never ever see it. Maybe I am bitter, maybe I am jealous...Maybe I am hurt? I would say all of those.
Yet on Tuesday I felt alright again. The storm had passed and I was sitting looking at someone I truly did love. Truly do love.
As much as you can say that you didn't mean it to happen it doesn't make it any better. Just like saying that we will still be best friends doesn't make it hurt any less. There is now nothing we can say that will change the events. I can be the baddie now and you can be the goodie. It will never change what happened.
I cannot instantly be turned from a pumpkin into a spectacular horse-drawn carriage with a wave of a magic wand. I will rot and fester in my pumpkin state for a bit, until someone comes along, carves out all that rotting fleshy orange pulp and starts to build me into something nice and new again. Dear god what is with the metaphors. A bit too much of Angela Carter today I would guess. But let's continue with the pumpkin. On Tuesday night you scooped out a bit of that rotted pulp with a long thin spoon from your giant mug of coffee and took away some of the poison I was filled with. You did that yourself. But now my venom has come back and bitten me, in the form of feelings that were there before you scooped it out.
I am sorry. But there is nothing I can do. Like I said. Words.
To refer to an earlier post of mine.
...how your life can change and turn upside down in the space of an hour.
I miss him, I love him. I understand.
My best friend, I promise."
"I understand" and you see, at the time I thought I did. Until you changed your mind. So much for the reasons you gave me. To get your life back on track blah blah. That was a pretty quick change of heart. So to recap...maybe I do not understand.
I honestly wish I did.
I wish I was the horsedrawn carriage.
I wish I wasn't this stupid rotting pumpkin.
Oh well Cinders, your time may come...but for now who knows?
Monday, September 24, 2007
It's almost time up for this blog. My diary for the year. Let's hope next years will be different.
You are my sweetest downfall
I loved you first, I loved you first
Beneath the sheets of paper lies my truth
I have to go, I have to go
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
Friday, September 07, 2007
Thursday, September 06, 2007
I got up semi-early, got showered and went into Glasgow. When I got to Glasgow, I walked down Suchiehall steet (cant spell) to the train station and bout a return ticket to Stirling.
I bought a cappuccino. On the train I sat at a table and listened to the radio on my phone. A really weird man sat next to me. He had dots tattooed on his knuckles and had one of those little mp3 players that take the AAA batteries. His bag had his name on it, I remember thinking it was a really odd name.
In Stirling I went to the letting agents, got my new keys and went to the flat. Put a few photos on the walls and tidied up a little. Emma came over and we sat chatting for a bit, then went to Varsity for lunch. We hung around there for ages, Dave came over for a while but it was a bit awkward and apparently he was really hung-over from drinking with work friends. Nice to see he has a social life I suppose. He kinda annoyed me today though, I'm not quite sure why. I don't like seeing exes after we break up...well certainly not so soon after we break up.
Emma and I then went shopping, she bought a woolen cardigan thing from Zara TRF which was really nice. All the clothes there were lovely but TINY.
We wandered round a little more but i didn't see anything I wanted. Emma got a coffee from Beanscene and then we went to my flat to empty my suitcases so I could take them home to fill up again for Stirling move: Phase 2.
Afterwards we went to Emma's and had a lovely dinner and watched hollyoaks. Then I trekked home. Overall, it was a fab day.
I'm probably going to move to Stirling tomorrow, so I probably wont be posting as much...don't have Internet in the flat.
A few leaving notes:
Make your mind up. Time is precious and not to be wasted.
Understand what I am going through.
Thanks for joining me on the highs and lows again. Thought I'd lost you.
- - - - - - - - - - -
"Loneliness....Her scent made me turn the pillow"
Best. Graffiti. Ever.
Wednesday, September 05, 2007
Tuesday, September 04, 2007
- Decide what is important to you in life. For example: Do you value a certain kind of job ; material things; a relationship; time alone or with others; time to relax or be creative; time to read, listen to music or have fun? These are just a few of the possibilities.
- Think about times when you have felt happy, good, or content. Where were you? Whom were you with? What were you doing, thinking or experiencing that made you feel happy?
- Decide to make more time in your life to do more of what is important to you and makes you feel happier. To be happy, you have to make happiness a priority in your life.
- Start with little things and work up to bigger ones. Little things might include reading an engrossing book for 15 minutes; taking a walk; telephoning a friend; or buying scented soap, shampoo, candles or tea that you will enjoy every time you use them.
- Focus on what is positive about yourself, others and life in general instead of dwelling on the negative. Write down as many positive things as you can think of in a journal. Keep it handy to read over and continue adding to it.
- Appreciate what is working in your life at the moment. In the major areas of your life, such as your health, job, love life, friends, family, money and living situation, what is going well?
Ask other people "what makes you happy?" or "What is something that makes you feel good?"
It's okay to ask for professional help. Talk to someone, such as a psychotherapistm career counselor or spiritual adviser (minister or teacher) to help you sort out what would make you happy.
Read books on the subject of happiness. Wise people have been writing about it for hundreds of years. In the book-shop, look under psychology, spirituality or psychotherapy.
520 Know if Someone is Lying.........."
BUY IT! It's far more interesting than I first realised. Now I can spot a liar ha!
Copyright (c) 2000, 2003 eHow, Inc. and Weldon Owen Inc.
HarperCollins Publishers, Glasgow.
Printed in Dubai by Oriental Press.
Monday, August 27, 2007
2. My car is broke! I don't have 1st or 2nd gear. Driving is rather difficult. I've stalled twice today grrrr....
3. I quit work today, my manager was being a total cow to me again.
4. I still have no contents insurance
5. I still have no Dave
6. I'm very immature apparently :) yay. Well I am fucking 18 after all.
7. Still don't have a transfer of call from 02.....
Sunday, August 26, 2007
I can't sleep tonight
Everybody saying everything's alright
Still I can't close my eyes
I'm seeing a tunnel at the end of all these lights
Where have you gone?
I get the strangest feeling when you belong.
Why does it always rain on me?
Is it because I lied when I was seventeen?
Why does it always rain on me?
Even when the sun is shining
I can't avoid the lightning
I can't stand myself
I'm being held up by invisible men
Still life on a shelf when
I got my mind on something else
I hate what he's done. I hate the fact Travis is actually giving me a weird sense of comfort. I want him to feel how I feel.
All I do is work. Yesterday 7-3, today 11-7 tomorrow 7-3, tues 7-3, wed 7-11 5-9, thurs 7-3................
I'm applying for a transfer to Falkirk.
I don't want to go back to uni, I don't want to think about it or talk about it.
I wish none of this had happened.
I might dye my hair brown. I always need some stupidly drastic change when shit happens. Though if I go brown I'll look like Kate 'in it for the cash' Nash...
Friday, August 24, 2007
I'm about to go and work a 3-9 shift, had the dentist this morning and drove to and from hampden last night (stress). I feel exhausted and just want to be in Stirling. I just want things to be back the way they were. I want I want I want I want. I sound like a spoiled brat.
Chilis last night was alright. I was knackered though, and they didnt even play Under The Bridge, was all new material for all those new fans. However Jim Gellatly on XFM played Higher Ground on the radio which really cheered me up. Anthony Kiedis was looking pretty fit but didn't really care for the crowd much. I think he's tired of touring and singing.
Biffy Clyro were pretty good too.
I'm glad you've gone.
Thursday, August 23, 2007
Wednesday, August 22, 2007
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
oh and another thing! If you say you're going to 'delete your myspace', do that....rather than just deleting me :) can you not just tell the truth for once?
Oh why do I even care, why oh why oh why do I even give a shite?! Because I hate liars, that's why.
ONE TWO THREE FOUR TAKE THE ELEVATOR AT THE HOTEL YORBA I'LL BE GLAD TO SEE YOU LATER.
Monday, August 20, 2007
Person 2. I wish to god you'd told me at a different time. Love you though.
Person 3. Sorry for not keeping in touch as much. You freaked me out a bit though.
Person 4. Get a grip, you are going to fuck it up again if you're not careful.
I hope at least 2 of you read this. I hope number 1 reads it most though!
Sunday, August 19, 2007
Monday, August 13, 2007
so this is the bad boy itself...
Roll on the day! I'm going to take sooo many pics with that baby.
Thursday, August 09, 2007
2. Get a life in the real world.
3. Please realise that I need you.
4. I don't want to be with you all the time anymore.
Each number is different person. Maths is fun.
[some words from Regina]
I'm not here, not anymore
I've gone away
Don't call me, don't write
I'm in love with your daughter
I wanna have her baby
I'm in love with your daughter
So can I please
I'm not here, not anymore
I've gone away
Don't call me, don't write
I've gone away
Don't call me, don't write
Don't call me, don't call me, don't call me
Don't write, don't write, don't write, don't write, don't write
Somedays aren't yours at all
They come and go
As if they're someone else's days
They come and leave you behind someone else's face
And it's harsher than yours
And it's colder than yours...
Tuesday, August 07, 2007
My brother's exam results were really good by the way!!
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
The Bride Stripped Bare
This book has opened my eyes to things which have happened years ago. Things which have happened a month ago and things which are happening now. It shows me what may happen in the future too. However, I loved this little extract, and I hope some men out there may take some wisdom from it.
the law for everyone is duty first, pleasure next
What you want:
The lights turned off. A touch that's gentle, slow, provocative, that builds you up, that makes you want it too much. An orgasm; it doesn't have to be at the same time as the man, just one orgasm so that you know what everyone's talking about. Eye contact. A quick coming that's not on your breasts or face. Holding afterwards, skin to skin. Oral sex, precisely where you ask, for as long and soft and as slow as you'd like. Sex that's uncomplicated, with no ties, where the man will do exactly what you want. Claiming happiness for yourself: you're so used to focusing on your partner's pleasure at the expense of your own.
What you do not want:
To suck a penis. The smell of stale smoke. A tongue in your ear. Underwear involving satin or g-stings or leopard print or lace. The vaginal sex to go on too long. A thrusting so hard that it burns, it hurts. Swallowing. Breast sucking, breast licking, breast anything. To be asked what are you thinking. For it to be pushed upon you when you're tired, grubby, not yet wet. Being pinned down. A rush to get in. A penis that's too big. Loud snorting at climax, or groaning, or any expression like "ooh yes, baby" and "c'mon". For the roll-over after the coming to be too abrubt. To be kicked out too quick.
What you love:
The arch of the foot, its bones, rake splayed. Wide, blunt, clean fingernails. Michelangelo wrists. Cleanliness. The nape of your neck nuzzled. Your eyelids kissed. Burrowing deep under the blankets. Clothes to be drawn off slowly, in exquisite anticipation. Cold, smooth walls you are rammed against. The sound of a lover's breath close to your ear. Your hair pulled back when he's inside. Your name spoken aloud just before he comes. Connecting, a holiness fluttering within you both. Seduction that's slow, intriguing, unique, by flattery, extravagant gestures, text: poem scraps on napkins, filthy e-mails that should never be sent, love letters scrawled on Underground passes, a line composed in lipstick on your back as you sleep, written backwards, to be read in the mirror; oh yes, all that."
Copyright (c) Anonymous 2003 (N.J Gemmell)
Posted by M. Graveyard at 10:47 AM
Oh by the way that's not my card, just one I really really liked ha ha ha ha ha.
Went to see Puppetry of the Penis last night and it was exactly how you'd imagine it to be. Lucy Porter was good also, a bit shakey at first but by the end everyone was really into it. However, the best so far, ever ever ever....
The legend that is, FRANKIE BOYLE. How much can I laugh in the space of an hour? Oh my gawd I thought I was going to die laughing....
GO TO THE EDINBURGH FRINGE!!!
Friday, August 03, 2007
I know I could, and I know I would given the chance. However, we are in different zones and stages, where I have spun past him and he is left lagging at the back, struggling and gasping. I wish I could take him under my wing, and I know it would be beautiful, but I can't. I'm so sorry to disappoint. So sorry.
I'm watching Ace Ventura, it's pretty good. It's weird seeing Monika from Friends having sex with Ace Ventura........gross really.
Allan Spragg's leaving night is when I'm at Connect. That really upset me, so I'll write him a card and get someone to give it to him.
This weekend im going to the fringe...FRANKIE BOYLE!!! <3 woohoo.
Wednesday, August 01, 2007
All I want to do is talk to him. I have nothing to say though. I wouldn't mind even if I just heard his breathing on the other end of the phone, it would be enough. I miss him.
When you tell someone to walk out the door and they don't, they stay until you stop crying, they stay all night with you just to make sure everything is okay. That's when you know that you have something worthwhile.
Thank you. You know who you are, and what you mean to me.
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Good Luck Spraggle Rock :(
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
To think I actually was going to believe you. To think I actually missed you for a day! Ha! I hate the fact I trusted you.
It all makes sense now.
I know this blog is cryptic, but you don't have to read it...
Thursday, July 19, 2007
Monday, July 09, 2007
On reflection I really dont know why i bothered putting up with your shit. I hope that in the future I will never be as passive and forgiving as I was. You can have them, but you will never have me. And you will come to realise what you have lost, in time.
To those who hurt me, I raise a glass. For things that do not kill me, do indeed, make me a hell of a lot stronger.
ps. moved into flat, its fergaliscious, and go to salisbury very very soon! yaaay!
x x x
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
1. Xfm gig in King Tuts I won tickets to (Amy McDonald and Drive By Argument).
2. Moving into my new gorgeous 105 year old flat <3
3. Getting paid on the 3rd, it wont clear my overdraft, but hey, at least I'll have more than £30 above my limit.
5. Refresh ending...
6. My birthday
7. Jodie's 21st in Salisbury
8. Trip to London
9. Going back to uni and not doing soiciology :D
10. Jools Holland!!
12. Being with my boy again <3
13. Being with my flatmates again
14. Seeing pip for a drinky
16. Jimmy Carr Live
17. Lucy Porter and Puppetry of the Penis with Haylur
18. Amateur Transplants, Limmy and FRANKIE BOYLE <3 heh heh heh.
19. Double bed at uni
20. Living across the road from Fubar :)
Isn't it exciting!!
Muah muah muahhh
[ps, i caught them player poker, and i think it was the devil that said "i'll see your heart and i'll raise you mine..."]
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
Was thinking earlier about a time I burnt the palm of my hand on a cigarette my dad was smoking. He had it in his hand, and I ran up from behind him and clutched his hand...and the cigarette. He bought me a can of juice from a shop to cool the burn. It was a Spar...the can of juice was Lilt.
Sunday, June 10, 2007
and that time you took my hand it felt so nice
i swear i never felt this way about any other guy
and i never usually notice people's eyes but..
Thursday, May 17, 2007
Sunday, May 13, 2007
Grrrrrr!!! Why do you only ever think of yourself. AND THIS IS DIRECTED TO AT LEAST 3 DIFFERENT PEOPLE AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!
Get over it!
Can't wait to go back to Stirling!
Friday, May 11, 2007
This one is good! Okay he can be a bit rubbish, can't they all? But this one lives so close to me, and cares about ME. No more one sided relationships! When I get upset, he makes sure to come and see me, no matter how angry he might be with me because I'm being a grumpy arsehole. I'm so glad I met him, it's made everything better.
I have a new flat, I move in 1st July. It's stunning, I even have a balcony.
x x x x x x x x x x x
ps. the utter cunt faced cow bitch from my old life is moving from a scummy uni to the scummiest uni i have discovered. Talk about a step down!
Wednesday, April 04, 2007
As I'm sure you've realised, I've met someone. It's not been that long since Phil and I properly split, but it feels okay. He's wonderful. Treats me the way I want to be treated (not too sappy, but like a princess at the same time) and is generally just amazing. I've never been treated this way by someone before, he's a good one.
Uni is kinda hard at the moment, the sun's out majorly and everyone is happy and not in the mood for studying. It's amazing though. I feel happier this week than I have in ages. Except I work in a coffee shop and it's really getting me down. I do 16 hours work every weekend, which is really taxing, I get very sore backs and shoulders. My feet kill too, but hell, I need the money so bad. I miss Matalan.
Today I walked up to the castle with him and we chatted and looked at the views and basked in the sun. It was one of the most romantic days I've ever had. I feel like myself again. I'm looking forward to the next few weeks. (Except having to work).
X x x x X
Monday, March 19, 2007
It's now all about me.
I hope you all manage to pick up the pieces of shit that is what remains of your pathetic lives and I hope you move on, get over it. Get over what's stuck up your ass and stopping you from having a life. Get off the computer, stop reading this. Get out there, stimulate your minds, look around you, you worthless people
To those wonderful people who make life better, who aren't assholes or don't do stupid shit to hurt me - thank you.
You make everyday feel like Kindergarten.
Maggie is back, in full force.
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
Why did he fuck me up like this.
Hate. Hurt. Where do you draw the line? Maybe the line just sliced through me and squeezed my lungs. I can't remember how to breathe, feel easy and relax. So tense, so tense.
Time to draw child, it's time to let go of him, let go of them, let go of yourself. You'll survive.
Monday, February 26, 2007
Thank you for being there for me, for the past 3 weeks. It's been tough for both of us, and I think without you it would have been so much harder. I was never that close to you, but I think now we have bonded so well, and I want to let you know how much I appreciated your support with all the shit that happened. Our other friends missed the initial carnage and don't appreciate how difficult things were for us. They think we can pick up the pieces of their mess, forgetting we still have our own to deal with. I want you to know I'm here for you, and that I'm really proud of you. Thank you so much, I love you.
Wednesday, February 07, 2007
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
Phil wants us to be friends, I liked that idea, but he talks a lot about all his friends scattered all over the world and how he never sees them. That didn’t fill me with hope, more made me think that I see him little enough as it is, never mind when he isn’t my boyfriend. It’s weird. Last night he was so horrible. Calling me immature, saying I wouldn’t understand, but to be honest I don’t think he really knows me well enough anymore. He doesn’t know how much I’ve changed since I went to uni. I’ve been through some tough shit. I’m used to grief now. I hope I can get through this with the same strength that has served me so well in the past five years. I’m proud of who I am.
It’s horrible not having anyone to lust after or focus my attentions on to. There really is nobody. I feel so so alone. I don’t live with my family, my best friend lives in another city and is at uni full-time. My flatmates here I don’t really know well enough.
I can’t believe I had to find out about all that through a photo on myspace. I hate the internet. I hate the fact I spent 2 years of my life, so dedicated to someone, for nothing. He’s disposed of me too easily, he’s disposed us. I’m still clinging on like some pathetic women (well, that is what I am I suppose) who can’t delete his text messages or take the photos of my wall.
Emma and I drank a litre of Smirnoff last night. We made White Russians (out of coffee, sugar and milk…didn’t work out too badly really). We then moved onto Malibu I had from ages ago…but by that point the shit had hit the fan and I was feeling like shit, so the alcohol was just there to make me feel numb. It didn’t work, I woke up so distraught. I sent some pretty horrible text messages. After that stage we hit acceptance and I spoke to him on msn, even apologising for my behaviour (though I do think it’s me who is owed an apology). Then there came anger. Shouting bastard and punching my mattress. Should have known better. I feel like a fool. I’m trying so hard not to cry again.
Can’t stop listening to The Fray – How to Save A Life.
Step one you say we need to talk He walks you say sit down it's just a talk He smiles politely back at you You stare politely right on through Some sort of window to your right As he goes left and you stay right Between the lines of fear and blame And you begin to wonder why you came Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend Somewhere along in the bitterness And I would have stayed up with you all night Had I known how to save a life Let him know that you know best Cause after all you do know best Try to slip past his defense Without granting innocence Lay down a list of what is wrong The things you've told him all along And pray to God he hears you And pray to God he hears you Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend Somewhere along in the bitterness And I would have stayed up with you all night Had I known how to save a life As he begins to raise his voice You lower yours and grant him one last choice Drive until you lose the road Or break with the ones you've followed He will do one of two things He will admit to everything Or he'll say he's just not the same And you'll begin to wonder why you came Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend Somewhere along in the bitterness And I would have stayed up with you all night Had I known how to save a life Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend Somewhere along in the bitterness And I would have stayed up with you all night Had I known how to save a life How to save a life How to save a life Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend Somewhere along in the bitterness And I would have stayed up with you all night Had I known how to save a life Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend Somewhere along in the bitterness And I would have stayed up with you all night Had I known how to save a life How to save a life
Monday, February 05, 2007
I was there with my cousin John (22) James (25), my second-cousin Ellen from Australia (18) and her cousin Aaron (30). We met a few other randomers along the way. Including Phil on Sunday.
It was strange seeing him again after all that has happened, and considering we’re on a ‘break’. I don’t really know what this break is even doing as, considering he still speaks to me in much the same way, and I know I am still in love with him and tell him thqat frequently, I don’t think we’re really progressing at all. He told me he doesn’t love me the same way any more. That did hurt. More than he’ll ever realise. I just guess he probably has the capability to move on to another girl. Where, I really don’t. I’m not ready for this to end…but I can kinda see it in his eyes. I don’t know if he’s found someone new, I doubt he’d ever actually tell me.
Today I found a letter he wrote me for my 17th birthday. There was a card inside that proclaimed he would love me, forever, and had written a huge list of all the years inside it. It was a pretty romantic letter too, with huge luminous I LOVE YOU written across the bottom. Almost every paragraph had something to do with how happy I made him and how he hopes I’ll always be happy, because happy Maggie is a happy Phil. Well here’s an update. I’m not happy, he’s never happy, and I can’t remember the last time I made him happy.
But I know it’s possible.
The past two days I have spent watching The Mighty Boosh. I had seen bits of it before here and there, but this is the first time I’ve watched the whole thing. I have to admit, I love it. I love Naboo and I think I also am in love with Noel Fielding (Vince Noir).
I keep thinking about designing t-shirts today.
It’s my dad’s 52nd birthday today. This also means the first month of the year has passed. I’m glad. It was actually an amazing month for me. Well, it did have it’s ups and downs. Had Phil and I been on better terms I think it could’ve been one of the best months of my life. There’s nothing like a bit of love and romance to keep me going.
I watched Bridget Jones the other night. I forgot how pathetically similar I am to her, at the mere age of 18. That’s pretty depressing eh. That also reminds me, I’ve grown out of my favourite wonderbra. I need to go to Debenhams and get a new one. I feel like crying. I should try dieting at uni…however cider just puts it all back on. Someone tell me what alcohol I can drink (cheaply) which will keep me from getting any bigger?
Sunday was the first day since I have known Phil, that I’ve not kissed him when I’ve had the chance. Even the first day we met, I kissed him. I felt so glad as we said goodbye on the underground that he kissed my cheek. That tiny gesture meant a lot to me. I wish more people would realise that tiny gestures do mean a lot to me.
Thursday, January 25, 2007
Hayley and I flew from Prestwick to Stanstead on the Sunday night, and we met Chris Devenney there (who went to my school but is now my flatmate, bit of an odd coincidence). Straight off the plane we headed for the bar. 2 Magners later I was feeling a little tipsy. Hayley had been knocking back the Baileys and with our lack of eating we were a little worse for wear. So we scraped together the last of our pounds and had a bowl of stale tortellini. Totally not worth a fiver, but it passed time. We spent the following 9 hours playing top trumps (both ‘celebrity’ and ‘Harry Potter’) and Hangman, Squares, and other paper games of years gone by. We sat in Costa coffee and waited in the empty airport for what seemed like weeks. It dragged on and on…..
Eventually at about 4am, Maxine, Jodie and Vikki turned up (they had been staying at Jodie’s in Salisbury). They were far too hyper for my liking but at around 6 we checked in and went and had yet another coffee in starbucks...
(Finland from the air)
The flight to Tampere was hell. I felt so so ill. I had never been so glad to land.
(Hayley and I on the Runway)
That night we went out to the Barfly in Helsinki. We met Emma’s friends, who were all lovely. We got very drunk (me on the pear cider yum yum) and danced the night away. I met a French guy whose version of ‘hello’ involved bribing me to talk with a cigarette. Interesting move, so Hayley and I entertained him for a while with our useless French, which is even worse when I’m drunk. His name was Dimitri, or Dim for short. If you ever read this, get in touch haha, you were interesting…Greek, French, Finnish hybrid man.
(Maxine and I, still bemused by Finnish....)
Emma decided it was time to leave and go get a McDonalds (wasn’t really feeling up to it myself, but okay.) However, they were shut and Vikki, Jodie and I all really really had to pee…..so we ended up squatting in the middle of fucking Helsinki, in some square with blue lights and big mounds of earth, right outside some sort of shopping center. Oh how embarrassing……..
When we eventually got back to Carita’s, she made a tiny tray of oven chips, which didn’t really help us, and then we all crashed out, sleeping for the first time since Saturday night.
Welcome to Tuesday, our first full day in Helsinki. We went and had breakfast in Gusto in the Kaampi center. It would soon be our favourite eating place. The food there was so nice, I think I had a mozzarella and pesto baguette, which was €5 and all so fresh. Healthy eating in Finland is so much easier than here. No wonder we have such a huge obesity problem. I think we could learn so much from Finland. We wandered around the shops and I bought a few tops from Vero Moda.
Emma took us to a really posh hotel for drinks, we had a bottle of champagne up in a bar on the 12th floor of this building and had our photos taken out on the balcony. The view of Helsinki was phenomenal. What was interesting however, were the toilets. They all had huge windows in them, meaning anyone could see you…doing your business. I guess they must be mirrored on the outside, cause the windows really were huge…Didn’t stop us peeing though. Then we headed back to Carita’s to get changed (the others went back to Emma’s).
We had dinner in Ville’s studio flat – 2 huuuge pizzas between the visitors, which ended in a race to finish after we split into 2 teams. Best pizza I’ve ever had!
We went out to The Club firstly, and then The Barfly again. I was drinking white Russians (they seem to be pretty popular in Helsinki, don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone drink one at home though!?). Blueberry shots that came in beautiful big shot glasses - which were quickly tumbled into my handbag by Jodie, and of course, pear cider.
(Blueberry shots - with blueberry seeds and cream!?)
The photos from this night are pretty spectacular, Ville picking Jodie and I up – don’t think anyone has managed that since I was a baby! Us pretending to be antelopes, Hayley pulling some blonde Finnish guy…yup it was all pretty eventful! It was also this night that Hayley did a forward roll into Vikki’s crotch in the taxi. Her taxi gymnastics are still amazing.
On Wednesday, we went into town for a while, then went to Emma’s house for…NAKED SAUNA!! The highlight of the trip we had all been waiting for. Of course some of us weren’t too pleased with the thought of naked sauna, so we wore swimsuits. I went in with Jodie and Vikki -“three hippos at the zoo” we declared as tiny petite Maxine looked at us through the glass. Still, we sat there for a good while and I felt like my skin had sweated out so much crap, it was fantastic. I could do with having a sauna in my house haha.
After that Emma’s dad cooked us Finnish sausages and then we headed out to the Aussie bar to meet Emma’s friends, however it was €7 for a glass of cider or €8 for a white wine, so we didn’t drink until we got the The Club, which was €1 champagne, cider or beer night! This is what we’d been waiting for!! The table was crammed full of drinks, you’d buy yourself 5 at a time, just to get drunk, as the offer was only on until midnight.
Then Emma dragged me up onstage to sing Careless Whisper with her. Sadly, I don’t even know the words to it; all I know is the tune as we used to play it in my school band. That, combined with my drunken state, and the porno that they were playing behind the words, I couldn’t even stand there, let alone sing. So yes, I made a complete fool of myself in front of a whole karaoke bar. Nice one Mags.
Then Emma and Carita fell out, and Vikki and Jodie fell out. Ville had to walk home in the rain and yet again, the taxi cost a fortune, but we got home and we crashed out.
(Salads for breakfast - cheer up maxine!)
Thursday, Vikki, Maxine, Hayley and I went into town ourselves and had a huge salad for breakfast (yum!) and then we met up with the others and Emma took us on a tram to the Seaside where we went and had coffee in a gorgeous café. We then got the tram back into town and went to see the Cathedral (some fit kids decided to run up the steps, I however, lumbered up with Jodie). After that Hayley and I went shopping for a while and I bought presents for Magz’s 19th, Phil and my brotheim.
We then went to Eatz, a multi-cultural restaurant specialising in Mexican and Australian food (it also had a sushi bar downstairs I think). Most of us had fajitas, which were wonderful and messy. There are photos somewhere to prove it. The barfly had a €1 drinks night and the Aussie bar had Emma’s ex Terry dj-ing at it, but we decided that considering we had a flight the next day we should perhaps for once not get fucked. However that didn’t stop me having a few pear ciders before we headed home. However, that was just the start of the night, as we began to pack. Packing with 4 girls high on Helsinki is not easy. It ended up in Vikki trying to force her repulsively smelly feet into Hayley’s mouth, and Hayley being terrified of this wall-ornament thing in the kitchen. It was a bit freaky but she really was going nuts. We ended up staying awake until about 6am, the only person who really slept was Maxine, though god knows how through all the noise.
Friday was our last day in Helsinki, we got the bus into town and then a huge double decker train outa town to Tampere. Ville came on the train to say goodbye to everyone (I hope he comes to visit, he really was a nice guy) and we set off. Tampere is further North than Helsinki so the snow was deeper and the wind sharper. When we arrived we stuffed our suitcases into lockers and went for a drink in a bar called “Home” which was designed to be a bit like a house, with little rooms with sofas where you could sit with your friends, looking like some sorta 60s living room. Very cool concept. It is here that I had my last glass of Finnish Pear Cider haha. We then went to have dinner at this really cheap Pizza Buffet place because Vikki had ran out of money (though I still had to pay €3 towards her €8 meal). It was a pretty scary place, full of weird hobo people, and it was all run by one woman. We also stole ice cream (intended if you pay an extra €2) and had a jolly good time. Our last half hour was spent in Stockman, spending our last few euros (I bought myself a small Finland mug) and then it was time to get on the bus and go to Tampere. We said our goodbyes to Emma (Jodie and I were close to tears) and got on the coach. Within half and hour we were at the airport. The next while isn’t really worth documenting, but we arrived at Stanstead safely.
A wonderful holiday, which opened my eyes to loads of new things, be it about my friendships, my country or my financial situation haha.
I just read a book called Clumsy by Jeffrey Brown. It’s a fantastic graphic novel I have wanted to read for a while now. Basically, it documents the lives of Jeff and Theresa, two people in a long distance relationship.
It’s the best graphic novel I have read in a very long time. Magz didn’t really like it and was laughing at it, but when I sat alone in my room, and read it just there, I realised the frailty of Jeff and how similar the relationship between Jeff and Theresa was to mine and Phil’s. The ending of Jeff and Theresa made me feel sick, cold. It wasn’t bad…but I saw sadness and heartbreak in Jeff that I feel I may be heading towards myself.
My uncle Jim died on Wednesday night. The funeral is on Tuesday, however I am in Helsinki. I feel awful about that. He was an amazing man who really loved his wife, and I respected him so much for that. His wife, Annie, fell very ill around 10 years ago and needed constant care as she could not walk or speak. She also had Alzheimer’s and didn’t recognise her family, but he cared for her himself, in their home, right until the day she died in February 2005. Her funeral was Valentines Day. I will never forget or forgive the behaviours of that day.
We are having really stormy weather at the moment; I hope it doesn’t interrupt our flights.
I met Keil in the pub last night. It was good to see him and he wished me a happy new year. He’s one person that gets judged a lot in a negative manner, but really, deep down, he is a lovely, caring young man, and I wish him all the best with his life, and his work. In one years time Keil will be a fully qualified electrician…makes me feel like a waste of space. Good luck mate.
After I come back from Finland I am going to London for a weekend. It’s Australia day and my cousin Ellen will be there.
I won’t be able to see Phil because he has a Polish girl staying with him.
Friday, December 15, 2006
On the 13th December (unlucky for some eh...) Phil and I decided to go on a break. I'm not sure how permanent this break is or what we will gain from it, but certainly I feel destroyed because my life has been poisoned, my relationship has been so damaged, by other people. I will not ever be able to forgive them. As far as I am concerned, they are dead. I miss him terribly already.
That night, Emma was going through the same thing with Tony. We drank cider, wine and vodka, hoping to numb the pain we were feeling. It worked for a bit, out lives decended into some sort of chaos with her tearing up an advent calendar, making cheese nachos and emptying a vending machine. Cigarettes were so good, and the night felt like it was ours. I hate what this has done to me, I am not who I was before. All sense of reality has been completely destroyed by the loss of the man I loved more than anyone.
I woke up in the morning with my elbow in someone's face. In all honesty I thought it was Phil at first...then I rememebered what had happened the night before. So I realised it must be Hayley since we share a bed almost every night after drinks. But no, it wasn't her? It was Emma...
We got up and were generally just lazing about, still kinda drunk after only a few hours sleep. Then we heard the cries.
Emma and I ran along the corridor to find Vikki slumped on the ground, crying. I stood there in a Burger King crown and a blanket, she was wearing her pink pyjamas. Her ankle was looing really bad, she had fallen/hit it while running away from Matt who was giving her a wedgie. We took her across to the medical center after quickly dressing, who told us to go to A&E with her. So Matt, Chris, Jodie and I take Vikki to the hospital in Matt's car. However, all the roads were flooded from the awful weather we've been having, and we had to go a really long way around. Matt and Chris dump us at the door of the hospital and we sit in the sub-zero waiting room until Vikki is seen (more than an hour). We called Matt to come and get us again, all we had was our phones and keys because we had rushed to the hospital. He was being a prick and refused to come and get us, so we were stuck in the middle of nowhere with no money or cards, just our phones. Eventually we got a hold of Maxine who withdrew money and we got a taxi home. However, because of the flooding it cost £17 to get home. We were cold, hungry and annoyed at the boys, so had not had a good day. After all that I went for a nap for hours while hayley used my laptop. Sleep is good just now...it helps me forget the reality. I wish I could sleep forever. I dream about Phil, but things are alright.
So after the hospital calamity, Hayley Vikki (hobbling about) and I went to Dusk. Free entry + £1 drinks + heartbreak = disaster.
We met up with Gavin (it was his birthday) and his friend Ros from the 6th floor, and then Grahame and his flatmate Laura came along too. Dusk was empty, but I didn't really care. Double vodkas and free shots....not much food.....i was very very sick. I think I'm in self-destruct mode. Grahame looked after me loads, I was so grateful because I really was in such a mess, crying about the Phil situ, being sick...generally a mess. But he held my hair back and wiped the tears and said all the right things. So I got a taxi home eventually after winning a fucking edible thong (it's been shoved in a drawer, never to be seen again) and Hayley being chatted up by a drug dealer while she ate his edible bra on the dance floor. Good old Dusk.
At home I proceeded to make 4 packets of noodles (for me hayley and vikki - god knows why so much).
We sat in my room and ate them off Daisy the ironing board which has now taken up home in my room (fuck knows when I'll get rid of that beast). Hayley produced 3 shot glasses from her handbag to add to our extensive collection. We both slept in my bed, as usual...
In the morning I woke up with a splitting headache and very very sore limbs. I told hayley to fuck off to her own room, my smaller than single bed doesn't really accomodate the two of us. I then slept all day until about 6pm....when hayley made me get up. She brought a chippy home and we had that for breakfast/dinner. I think by this point it is Friday evening....
Hayley really wants to go out, I do too because it's Beth's last 'night out' though I feel extremely hungover. I didn't want to go to Dusk because of the previous night's sickness...and Fubar was Cream Classics night (excellent if I'm fucked out my face, but I wasn't planning on that) plus it was £10 entry! The Beat....just nah. So Dusk it was, ladies night....but I began to feel really really really sick, and Jodie and Hayley were fucked, so by 1am I left and went over to Grahame's flat for a while, just to sit somewhere warm and chat and listen to decent music. I was there for an hour maybe, we watched Scrubs and he gave me a tshirt he got from the Cathouse for free one night, to cheer me up. That was cool. Then Hayley phoned me saying she was outside the fubar, and I was to go meet them all.......however it was just her and Jodie hanmering on the door of this food place, which was shut (EVERYWHERE in stirling shuts at like 1am - its sooo shit) so I run up to them, going "hey hey jeez calm down" cause there was police everywhere and they were screaming through the letterbox of this place.
I asked them where Beth was, they assured me with Tony. Seemed a bit weird though, she would normally stick with Hayley but for some mad reason I trusted their judgement. I tried to call Tony to let him know we were going home but it kept going on to some answerphone thing. I said goodbye to Grahame and thanked him for looking after me, and got in a taxi with Jodie and Hayley. Then I get a call from Tony: "WHERE IS EVERYONE??!" He had even lost Beth. Apparently Jodie and Hayley had left the club and told nobody. After a while of frantically phoning around (Beth doesn't have a 'cell' phone) I discovered she'd walked to Grahame's flat. He walked her back to the Fubar and I managed to get Tony to go there too and get her. He was not amused - neither was I because they had deserted Beth.
Back at the flat arguments ensued. It was probably the worst night out I had ever had. Hayley was in a mess, she couldn't walk, so lay on the disgusting kitchen floor sobbing because I was mad at her. She's too tall for me to support so that was difficult as she flopped over me in a flurry of tears. I made her noodles and then she came into my bed, after deciding she's scared of the cupboard in her room. (This is down to the story of the girl who commited suicide in the halls and stuffed her own body into the overhead cupboard, leaving herself there to die - found months later after the holidays.) Whether this is true (for I know many of the suicide ones are - there is a memorial plaque outside our halls where a boy fell to his death) or not is another matter, but it certainly freaks folk out. There is also a ghost in the flat but that's another story.
So I spent yet another night with Hayley in my bed, cramped and uncomfortable, sober. I kicked her out the next morning because her mum was coming to get her at 11. She was still drunk, but managed somehow.
That day Beth and I tidied up my room, and packed all my stuff up into bags and even bins...it was a really sad experience actually. I'm finding it hard to realise I'll be going home in a few weeks though. I saw a message on my bebo from Phil, saying he missed me and stuff, that really cheered me up alot. Made me realise that maybe all is not lost.
I came home on Sunday night, and spent that night talking to Phil on webcam. I really miss my boy.
I'm not glad to be home.
I miss my friends, Hayley, Emsulka Bumskula, Beth, Vikki, Maxie, Jodie, Matt, GC, Chris.... I miss them all even if they are assholes sometimes.
I'm trying to book driving lessons but with no avail, the guy's mobile is off.
I can't stop listening to "Set Fire To The Third Bar". It was playing in Walkabout the night Phil had called me. It was a profound moment, a beautiful moment in amongst the Rogue Traders and Girls Aloud.
So welcome to my blog. It's not my first, and I guess it won't be my last.