Distant Dark Places

This is the start of something new. A world of pain and loss, a world where I am so alone.

On the 13th December (unlucky for some eh...) Phil and I decided to go on a break. I'm not sure how permanent this break is or what we will gain from it, but certainly I feel destroyed because my life has been poisoned, my relationship has been so damaged, by other people. I will not ever be able to forgive them. As far as I am concerned, they are dead. I miss him terribly already.

That night, Emma was going through the same thing with Tony. We drank cider, wine and vodka, hoping to numb the pain we were feeling. It worked for a bit, out lives decended into some sort of chaos with her tearing up an advent calendar, making cheese nachos and emptying a vending machine. Cigarettes were so good, and the night felt like it was ours. I hate what this has done to me, I am not who I was before. All sense of reality has been completely destroyed by the loss of the man I loved more than anyone.

I woke up in the morning with my elbow in someone's face. In all honesty I thought it was Phil at first...then I rememebered what had happened the night before. So I realised it must be Hayley since we share a bed almost every night after drinks. But no, it wasn't her? It was Emma...

We got up and were generally just lazing about, still kinda drunk after only a few hours sleep. Then we heard the cries.

Emma and I ran along the corridor to find Vikki slumped on the ground, crying. I stood there in a Burger King crown and a blanket, she was wearing her pink pyjamas. Her ankle was looing really bad, she had fallen/hit it while running away from Matt who was giving her a wedgie. We took her across to the medical center after quickly dressing, who told us to go to A&E with her. So Matt, Chris, Jodie and I take Vikki to the hospital in Matt's car. However, all the roads were flooded from the awful weather we've been having, and we had to go a really long way around. Matt and Chris dump us at the door of the hospital and we sit in the sub-zero waiting room until Vikki is seen (more than an hour). We called Matt to come and get us again, all we had was our phones and keys because we had rushed to the hospital. He was being a prick and refused to come and get us, so we were stuck in the middle of nowhere with no money or cards, just our phones. Eventually we got a hold of Maxine who withdrew money and we got a taxi home. However, because of the flooding it cost £17 to get home. We were cold, hungry and annoyed at the boys, so had not had a good day. After all that I went for a nap for hours while hayley used my laptop. Sleep is good just now...it helps me forget the reality. I wish I could sleep forever. I dream about Phil, but things are alright.

So after the hospital calamity, Hayley Vikki (hobbling about) and I went to Dusk. Free entry + £1 drinks + heartbreak = disaster.
We met up with Gavin (it was his birthday) and his friend Ros from the 6th floor, and then Grahame and his flatmate Laura came along too. Dusk was empty, but I didn't really care. Double vodkas and free shots....not much food.....i was very very sick. I think I'm in self-destruct mode. Grahame looked after me loads, I was so grateful because I really was in such a mess, crying about the Phil situ, being sick...generally a mess. But he held my hair back and wiped the tears and said all the right things. So I got a taxi home eventually after winning a fucking edible thong (it's been shoved in a drawer, never to be seen again) and Hayley being chatted up by a drug dealer while she ate his edible bra on the dance floor. Good old Dusk.

At home I proceeded to make 4 packets of noodles (for me hayley and vikki - god knows why so much).
We sat in my room and ate them off Daisy the ironing board which has now taken up home in my room (fuck knows when I'll get rid of that beast). Hayley produced 3 shot glasses from her handbag to add to our extensive collection. We both slept in my bed, as usual...

In the morning I woke up with a splitting headache and very very sore limbs. I told hayley to fuck off to her own room, my smaller than single bed doesn't really accomodate the two of us. I then slept all day until about 6pm....when hayley made me get up. She brought a chippy home and we had that for breakfast/dinner. I think by this point it is Friday evening....
Hayley really wants to go out, I do too because it's Beth's last 'night out' though I feel extremely hungover. I didn't want to go to Dusk because of the previous night's sickness...and Fubar was Cream Classics night (excellent if I'm fucked out my face, but I wasn't planning on that) plus it was £10 entry! The Beat....just nah. So Dusk it was, ladies night....but I began to feel really really really sick, and Jodie and Hayley were fucked, so by 1am I left and went over to Grahame's flat for a while, just to sit somewhere warm and chat and listen to decent music. I was there for an hour maybe, we watched Scrubs and he gave me a tshirt he got from the Cathouse for free one night, to cheer me up. That was cool. Then Hayley phoned me saying she was outside the fubar, and I was to go meet them all.......however it was just her and Jodie hanmering on the door of this food place, which was shut (EVERYWHERE in stirling shuts at like 1am - its sooo shit) so I run up to them, going "hey hey jeez calm down" cause there was police everywhere and they were screaming through the letterbox of this place.
I asked them where Beth was, they assured me with Tony. Seemed a bit weird though, she would normally stick with Hayley but for some mad reason I trusted their judgement. I tried to call Tony to let him know we were going home but it kept going on to some answerphone thing. I said goodbye to Grahame and thanked him for looking after me, and got in a taxi with Jodie and Hayley. Then I get a call from Tony: "WHERE IS EVERYONE??!" He had even lost Beth. Apparently Jodie and Hayley had left the club and told nobody. After a while of frantically phoning around (Beth doesn't have a 'cell' phone) I discovered she'd walked to Grahame's flat. He walked her back to the Fubar and I managed to get Tony to go there too and get her. He was not amused - neither was I because they had deserted Beth.
Back at the flat arguments ensued. It was probably the worst night out I had ever had. Hayley was in a mess, she couldn't walk, so lay on the disgusting kitchen floor sobbing because I was mad at her. She's too tall for me to support so that was difficult as she flopped over me in a flurry of tears. I made her noodles and then she came into my bed, after deciding she's scared of the cupboard in her room. (This is down to the story of the girl who commited suicide in the halls and stuffed her own body into the overhead cupboard, leaving herself there to die - found months later after the holidays.) Whether this is true (for I know many of the suicide ones are - there is a memorial plaque outside our halls where a boy fell to his death) or not is another matter, but it certainly freaks folk out. There is also a ghost in the flat but that's another story.
So I spent yet another night with Hayley in my bed, cramped and uncomfortable, sober. I kicked her out the next morning because her mum was coming to get her at 11. She was still drunk, but managed somehow.

That day Beth and I tidied up my room, and packed all my stuff up into bags and even bins...it was a really sad experience actually. I'm finding it hard to realise I'll be going home in a few weeks though. I saw a message on my bebo from Phil, saying he missed me and stuff, that really cheered me up alot. Made me realise that maybe all is not lost.

I came home on Sunday night, and spent that night talking to Phil on webcam. I really miss my boy.

I'm not glad to be home.
I miss my friends, Hayley, Emsulka Bumskula, Beth, Vikki, Maxie, Jodie, Matt, GC, Chris.... I miss them all even if they are assholes sometimes.

I'm trying to book driving lessons but with no avail, the guy's mobile is off.


I can't stop listening to "Set Fire To The Third Bar". It was playing in Walkabout the night Phil had called me. It was a profound moment, a beautiful moment in amongst the Rogue Traders and Girls Aloud.

So welcome to my blog. It's not my first, and I guess it won't be my last.