13 January 2007 (backdated)

On Thursday evening I saw the two people I despise most in the world. They walked right by me, chattering away, blissful in their hideous relationship. The two people who made mine crumble, who made me out to be a person I am not. So what did I do? Nothing, I did nothing. I felt ill, thought I was going to be sick. Hayley and Magz didn’t understand. Nobody does. Nobody understands what I’m going through.

I just read a book called Clumsy by Jeffrey Brown. It’s a fantastic graphic novel I have wanted to read for a while now. Basically, it documents the lives of Jeff and Theresa, two people in a long distance relationship.

It’s the best graphic novel I have read in a very long time. Magz didn’t really like it and was laughing at it, but when I sat alone in my room, and read it just there, I realised the frailty of Jeff and how similar the relationship between Jeff and Theresa was to mine and Phil’s. The ending of Jeff and Theresa made me feel sick, cold. It wasn’t bad…but I saw sadness and heartbreak in Jeff that I feel I may be heading towards myself.

My uncle Jim died on Wednesday night. The funeral is on Tuesday, however I am in Helsinki. I feel awful about that. He was an amazing man who really loved his wife, and I respected him so much for that. His wife, Annie, fell very ill around 10 years ago and needed constant care as she could not walk or speak. She also had Alzheimer’s and didn’t recognise her family, but he cared for her himself, in their home, right until the day she died in February 2005. Her funeral was Valentines Day. I will never forget or forgive the behaviours of that day.

We are having really stormy weather at the moment; I hope it doesn’t interrupt our flights.

I met Keil in the pub last night. It was good to see him and he wished me a happy new year. He’s one person that gets judged a lot in a negative manner, but really, deep down, he is a lovely, caring young man, and I wish him all the best with his life, and his work. In one years time Keil will be a fully qualified electrician…makes me feel like a waste of space. Good luck mate.

After I come back from Finland I am going to London for a weekend. It’s Australia day and my cousin Ellen will be there.

I won’t be able to see Phil because he has a Polish girl staying with him.