To my Emma,
Thank you for being there for me, for the past 3 weeks. It's been tough for both of us, and I think without you it would have been so much harder. I was never that close to you, but I think now we have bonded so well, and I want to let you know how much I appreciated your support with all the shit that happened. Our other friends missed the initial carnage and don't appreciate how difficult things were for us. They think we can pick up the pieces of their mess, forgetting we still have our own to deal with. I want you to know I'm here for you, and that I'm really proud of you. Thank you so much, I love you.
Monday, February 26, 2007
Wednesday, February 07, 2007
The Prayer
Mmmmm bloc party are pretty nice to my ears at this hour.
Feeling pretty good. Day 3 of drinking binge with Emma. Last night we took Jumpei to Dusk. Tonight, we were gonna detox, but thought fuck it, and had a blottle of Baileys. We made everyone cool lil things for their doors of lookalikes... here is my favourite example....
Matt ............. Mr. Big
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
Stupid and Shallow - Futureheads
All my fears were right. Phil has fallen for Joanna the Polish girl. He doesn’t fancy me anymore. I was just a burden to him he wasn’t sure how to get rid of. It’s horrible finding out that someone’s moved on from you. It happened to me two years ago at Valentines and that fucked me up enough then, and I didn’t care about him half as much. God, it’s Valentines next week. That’ll be another card count of 0. The best break up I had was with Stu. He was one of those guys that at the time, I thought I’d be with forever and all that shit. It was wonderful, we both just slowly drifted apart and agreed that it was over. Fantastic, happy. We’re still friends.
Phil wants us to be friends, I liked that idea, but he talks a lot about all his friends scattered all over the world and how he never sees them. That didn’t fill me with hope, more made me think that I see him little enough as it is, never mind when he isn’t my boyfriend. It’s weird. Last night he was so horrible. Calling me immature, saying I wouldn’t understand, but to be honest I don’t think he really knows me well enough anymore. He doesn’t know how much I’ve changed since I went to uni. I’ve been through some tough shit. I’m used to grief now. I hope I can get through this with the same strength that has served me so well in the past five years. I’m proud of who I am.
It’s horrible not having anyone to lust after or focus my attentions on to. There really is nobody. I feel so so alone. I don’t live with my family, my best friend lives in another city and is at uni full-time. My flatmates here I don’t really know well enough.
I can’t believe I had to find out about all that through a photo on myspace. I hate the internet. I hate the fact I spent 2 years of my life, so dedicated to someone, for nothing. He’s disposed of me too easily, he’s disposed us. I’m still clinging on like some pathetic women (well, that is what I am I suppose) who can’t delete his text messages or take the photos of my wall.
Emma and I drank a litre of Smirnoff last night. We made White Russians (out of coffee, sugar and milk…didn’t work out too badly really). We then moved onto Malibu I had from ages ago…but by that point the shit had hit the fan and I was feeling like shit, so the alcohol was just there to make me feel numb. It didn’t work, I woke up so distraught. I sent some pretty horrible text messages. After that stage we hit acceptance and I spoke to him on msn, even apologising for my behaviour (though I do think it’s me who is owed an apology). Then there came anger. Shouting bastard and punching my mattress. Should have known better. I feel like a fool. I’m trying so hard not to cry again.
Can’t stop listening to The Fray – How to Save A Life.
Step one you say we need to talk He walks you say sit down it's just a talk He smiles politely back at you You stare politely right on through Some sort of window to your right As he goes left and you stay right Between the lines of fear and blame And you begin to wonder why you came Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend Somewhere along in the bitterness And I would have stayed up with you all night Had I known how to save a life Let him know that you know best Cause after all you do know best Try to slip past his defense Without granting innocence Lay down a list of what is wrong The things you've told him all along And pray to God he hears you And pray to God he hears you Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend Somewhere along in the bitterness And I would have stayed up with you all night Had I known how to save a life As he begins to raise his voice You lower yours and grant him one last choice Drive until you lose the road Or break with the ones you've followed He will do one of two things He will admit to everything Or he'll say he's just not the same And you'll begin to wonder why you came Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend Somewhere along in the bitterness And I would have stayed up with you all night Had I known how to save a life Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend Somewhere along in the bitterness And I would have stayed up with you all night Had I known how to save a life How to save a life How to save a life Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend Somewhere along in the bitterness And I would have stayed up with you all night Had I known how to save a life Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend Somewhere along in the bitterness And I would have stayed up with you all night Had I known how to save a life How to save a life
Phil wants us to be friends, I liked that idea, but he talks a lot about all his friends scattered all over the world and how he never sees them. That didn’t fill me with hope, more made me think that I see him little enough as it is, never mind when he isn’t my boyfriend. It’s weird. Last night he was so horrible. Calling me immature, saying I wouldn’t understand, but to be honest I don’t think he really knows me well enough anymore. He doesn’t know how much I’ve changed since I went to uni. I’ve been through some tough shit. I’m used to grief now. I hope I can get through this with the same strength that has served me so well in the past five years. I’m proud of who I am.
It’s horrible not having anyone to lust after or focus my attentions on to. There really is nobody. I feel so so alone. I don’t live with my family, my best friend lives in another city and is at uni full-time. My flatmates here I don’t really know well enough.
I can’t believe I had to find out about all that through a photo on myspace. I hate the internet. I hate the fact I spent 2 years of my life, so dedicated to someone, for nothing. He’s disposed of me too easily, he’s disposed us. I’m still clinging on like some pathetic women (well, that is what I am I suppose) who can’t delete his text messages or take the photos of my wall.
Emma and I drank a litre of Smirnoff last night. We made White Russians (out of coffee, sugar and milk…didn’t work out too badly really). We then moved onto Malibu I had from ages ago…but by that point the shit had hit the fan and I was feeling like shit, so the alcohol was just there to make me feel numb. It didn’t work, I woke up so distraught. I sent some pretty horrible text messages. After that stage we hit acceptance and I spoke to him on msn, even apologising for my behaviour (though I do think it’s me who is owed an apology). Then there came anger. Shouting bastard and punching my mattress. Should have known better. I feel like a fool. I’m trying so hard not to cry again.
Can’t stop listening to The Fray – How to Save A Life.
Step one you say we need to talk He walks you say sit down it's just a talk He smiles politely back at you You stare politely right on through Some sort of window to your right As he goes left and you stay right Between the lines of fear and blame And you begin to wonder why you came Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend Somewhere along in the bitterness And I would have stayed up with you all night Had I known how to save a life Let him know that you know best Cause after all you do know best Try to slip past his defense Without granting innocence Lay down a list of what is wrong The things you've told him all along And pray to God he hears you And pray to God he hears you Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend Somewhere along in the bitterness And I would have stayed up with you all night Had I known how to save a life As he begins to raise his voice You lower yours and grant him one last choice Drive until you lose the road Or break with the ones you've followed He will do one of two things He will admit to everything Or he'll say he's just not the same And you'll begin to wonder why you came Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend Somewhere along in the bitterness And I would have stayed up with you all night Had I known how to save a life Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend Somewhere along in the bitterness And I would have stayed up with you all night Had I known how to save a life How to save a life How to save a life Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend Somewhere along in the bitterness And I would have stayed up with you all night Had I known how to save a life Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend Somewhere along in the bitterness And I would have stayed up with you all night Had I known how to save a life How to save a life
Monday, February 05, 2007
From the start of feb....
I had a fabulous weekend in London with my cousins. Going with them meant I actually saw the sights and went places. Whenever Phil and I have gone to London, it’s never been too productive.
I was there with my cousin John (22) James (25), my second-cousin Ellen from Australia (18) and her cousin Aaron (30). We met a few other randomers along the way. Including Phil on Sunday.
It was strange seeing him again after all that has happened, and considering we’re on a ‘break’. I don’t really know what this break is even doing as, considering he still speaks to me in much the same way, and I know I am still in love with him and tell him thqat frequently, I don’t think we’re really progressing at all. He told me he doesn’t love me the same way any more. That did hurt. More than he’ll ever realise. I just guess he probably has the capability to move on to another girl. Where, I really don’t. I’m not ready for this to end…but I can kinda see it in his eyes. I don’t know if he’s found someone new, I doubt he’d ever actually tell me.
Today I found a letter he wrote me for my 17th birthday. There was a card inside that proclaimed he would love me, forever, and had written a huge list of all the years inside it. It was a pretty romantic letter too, with huge luminous I LOVE YOU written across the bottom. Almost every paragraph had something to do with how happy I made him and how he hopes I’ll always be happy, because happy Maggie is a happy Phil. Well here’s an update. I’m not happy, he’s never happy, and I can’t remember the last time I made him happy.
But I know it’s possible.
The past two days I have spent watching The Mighty Boosh. I had seen bits of it before here and there, but this is the first time I’ve watched the whole thing. I have to admit, I love it. I love Naboo and I think I also am in love with Noel Fielding (Vince Noir).
I keep thinking about designing t-shirts today.
It’s my dad’s 52nd birthday today. This also means the first month of the year has passed. I’m glad. It was actually an amazing month for me. Well, it did have it’s ups and downs. Had Phil and I been on better terms I think it could’ve been one of the best months of my life. There’s nothing like a bit of love and romance to keep me going.
I watched Bridget Jones the other night. I forgot how pathetically similar I am to her, at the mere age of 18. That’s pretty depressing eh. That also reminds me, I’ve grown out of my favourite wonderbra. I need to go to Debenhams and get a new one. I feel like crying. I should try dieting at uni…however cider just puts it all back on. Someone tell me what alcohol I can drink (cheaply) which will keep me from getting any bigger?
Sunday was the first day since I have known Phil, that I’ve not kissed him when I’ve had the chance. Even the first day we met, I kissed him. I felt so glad as we said goodbye on the underground that he kissed my cheek. That tiny gesture meant a lot to me. I wish more people would realise that tiny gestures do mean a lot to me.
I was there with my cousin John (22) James (25), my second-cousin Ellen from Australia (18) and her cousin Aaron (30). We met a few other randomers along the way. Including Phil on Sunday.
It was strange seeing him again after all that has happened, and considering we’re on a ‘break’. I don’t really know what this break is even doing as, considering he still speaks to me in much the same way, and I know I am still in love with him and tell him thqat frequently, I don’t think we’re really progressing at all. He told me he doesn’t love me the same way any more. That did hurt. More than he’ll ever realise. I just guess he probably has the capability to move on to another girl. Where, I really don’t. I’m not ready for this to end…but I can kinda see it in his eyes. I don’t know if he’s found someone new, I doubt he’d ever actually tell me.
Today I found a letter he wrote me for my 17th birthday. There was a card inside that proclaimed he would love me, forever, and had written a huge list of all the years inside it. It was a pretty romantic letter too, with huge luminous I LOVE YOU written across the bottom. Almost every paragraph had something to do with how happy I made him and how he hopes I’ll always be happy, because happy Maggie is a happy Phil. Well here’s an update. I’m not happy, he’s never happy, and I can’t remember the last time I made him happy.
But I know it’s possible.
The past two days I have spent watching The Mighty Boosh. I had seen bits of it before here and there, but this is the first time I’ve watched the whole thing. I have to admit, I love it. I love Naboo and I think I also am in love with Noel Fielding (Vince Noir).
I keep thinking about designing t-shirts today.
It’s my dad’s 52nd birthday today. This also means the first month of the year has passed. I’m glad. It was actually an amazing month for me. Well, it did have it’s ups and downs. Had Phil and I been on better terms I think it could’ve been one of the best months of my life. There’s nothing like a bit of love and romance to keep me going.
I watched Bridget Jones the other night. I forgot how pathetically similar I am to her, at the mere age of 18. That’s pretty depressing eh. That also reminds me, I’ve grown out of my favourite wonderbra. I need to go to Debenhams and get a new one. I feel like crying. I should try dieting at uni…however cider just puts it all back on. Someone tell me what alcohol I can drink (cheaply) which will keep me from getting any bigger?
Sunday was the first day since I have known Phil, that I’ve not kissed him when I’ve had the chance. Even the first day we met, I kissed him. I felt so glad as we said goodbye on the underground that he kissed my cheek. That tiny gesture meant a lot to me. I wish more people would realise that tiny gestures do mean a lot to me.
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