What I write here is what I feel. What I write here are things that I wouldn't normally say. This is a place to vent. What emotion I am venting varies, but it is still releasing something none the less. Y'know, maybe I just wanted you to feel how I did? Then again, maybe I thought you would never ever see it. Maybe I am bitter, maybe I am jealous...Maybe I am hurt? I would say all of those.
Yet on Tuesday I felt alright again. The storm had passed and I was sitting looking at someone I truly did love. Truly do love.
As much as you can say that you didn't mean it to happen it doesn't make it any better. Just like saying that we will still be best friends doesn't make it hurt any less. There is now nothing we can say that will change the events. I can be the baddie now and you can be the goodie. It will never change what happened.
I cannot instantly be turned from a pumpkin into a spectacular horse-drawn carriage with a wave of a magic wand. I will rot and fester in my pumpkin state for a bit, until someone comes along, carves out all that rotting fleshy orange pulp and starts to build me into something nice and new again. Dear god what is with the metaphors. A bit too much of Angela Carter today I would guess. But let's continue with the pumpkin. On Tuesday night you scooped out a bit of that rotted pulp with a long thin spoon from your giant mug of coffee and took away some of the poison I was filled with. You did that yourself. But now my venom has come back and bitten me, in the form of feelings that were there before you scooped it out.
I am sorry. But there is nothing I can do. Like I said. Words.
To refer to an earlier post of mine.
...how your life can change and turn upside down in the space of an hour.
I miss him, I love him. I understand.
My best friend, I promise."
"I understand" and you see, at the time I thought I did. Until you changed your mind. So much for the reasons you gave me. To get your life back on track blah blah. That was a pretty quick change of heart. So to recap...maybe I do not understand.
I honestly wish I did.
I wish I was the horsedrawn carriage.
I wish I wasn't this stupid rotting pumpkin.
Oh well Cinders, your time may come...but for now who knows?