Honesty is a man's best friend?

Who knows?

What I write here is what I feel. What I write here are things that I wouldn't normally say. This is a place to vent. What emotion I am venting varies, but it is still releasing something none the less. Y'know, maybe I just wanted you to feel how I did? Then again, maybe I thought you would never ever see it. Maybe I am bitter, maybe I am jealous...Maybe I am hurt? I would say all of those.

Yet on Tuesday I felt alright again. The storm had passed and I was sitting looking at someone I truly did love. Truly do love.

As much as you can say that you didn't mean it to happen it doesn't make it any better. Just like saying that we will still be best friends doesn't make it hurt any less. There is now nothing we can say that will change the events. I can be the baddie now and you can be the goodie. It will never change what happened.

I cannot instantly be turned from a pumpkin into a spectacular horse-drawn carriage with a wave of a magic wand. I will rot and fester in my pumpkin state for a bit, until someone comes along, carves out all that rotting fleshy orange pulp and starts to build me into something nice and new again. Dear god what is with the metaphors. A bit too much of Angela Carter today I would guess. But let's continue with the pumpkin. On Tuesday night you scooped out a bit of that rotted pulp with a long thin spoon from your giant mug of coffee and took away some of the poison I was filled with. You did that yourself. But now my venom has come back and bitten me, in the form of feelings that were there before you scooped it out.

I am sorry. But there is nothing I can do. Like I said. Words.

---

To refer to an earlier post of mine.

"It's amazing...
...how your life can change and turn upside down in the space of an hour.
I miss him, I love him. I understand.
My best friend, I promise."

---

"I understand" and you see, at the time I thought I did. Until you changed your mind. So much for the reasons you gave me. To get your life back on track blah blah. That was a pretty quick change of heart. So to recap...maybe I do not understand.

I honestly wish I did.

I wish I was the horsedrawn carriage.

I wish I wasn't this stupid rotting pumpkin.



Oh well Cinders, your time may come...but for now who knows?

Downfall

I'm going to Finland again.

It's almost time up for this blog. My diary for the year. Let's hope next years will be different.

---

You are my sweetest downfall
I loved you first, I loved you first
Beneath the sheets of paper lies my truth
I have to go, I have to go

"Psycho Poppers Sex"

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha oh my god you are so mature. Aye fucking right.

You make me feel mature beyond my years.




ps. At least I'm a cunt who can tell the truth :)

Je n'aime pas...

Stubborn

Grumpy

Irritable

Pathetic

Selfish

Useless

Nasty........

.......people!

This, is my face... :)

Today was really good.
I got up semi-early, got showered and went into Glasgow. When I got to Glasgow, I walked down Suchiehall steet (cant spell) to the train station and bout a return ticket to Stirling.
I bought a cappuccino. On the train I sat at a table and listened to the radio on my phone. A really weird man sat next to me. He had dots tattooed on his knuckles and had one of those little mp3 players that take the AAA batteries. His bag had his name on it, I remember thinking it was a really odd name.
In Stirling I went to the letting agents, got my new keys and went to the flat. Put a few photos on the walls and tidied up a little. Emma came over and we sat chatting for a bit, then went to Varsity for lunch. We hung around there for ages, Dave came over for a while but it was a bit awkward and apparently he was really hung-over from drinking with work friends. Nice to see he has a social life I suppose. He kinda annoyed me today though, I'm not quite sure why. I don't like seeing exes after we break up...well certainly not so soon after we break up.
Emma and I then went shopping, she bought a woolen cardigan thing from Zara TRF which was really nice. All the clothes there were lovely but TINY.
We wandered round a little more but i didn't see anything I wanted. Emma got a coffee from Beanscene and then we went to my flat to empty my suitcases so I could take them home to fill up again for Stirling move: Phase 2.
Afterwards we went to Emma's and had a lovely dinner and watched hollyoaks. Then I trekked home. Overall, it was a fab day.
I'm probably going to move to Stirling tomorrow, so I probably wont be posting as much...don't have Internet in the flat.



A few leaving notes:



Make your mind up. Time is precious and not to be wasted.

Understand what I am going through.

Thanks for joining me on the highs and lows again. Thought I'd lost you.

- - - - - - - - - - -

"Loneliness....Her scent made me turn the pillow"
Best. Graffiti. Ever.

Face to Face

Men make me produce a face like this.

I'm going gay.

Can I recommend a blog called Always Aroused Girl. Sounds pure like porn, but it's so well written and very interesting. I've been following her life for a while now. Very attached. She's over in my 'Spank' section under AAG.

Hollow

The highs and the lows, the rise and fall.




Where are you on this messy trip?

I'm lost. Find me and we'll start a new journey.

Disgusting.

Get your dick back in your pants and stop telling lies to the ones who do care.

Someone might forgive you.

photo copyright ME you motherfuckers.

514 Be Happy

"Happiness has different meanings for everyone; we each have to define and seek it for ourselves.

Steps

1. Decide what is important to you in life. For example: Do you value a certain kind of job ; material things; a relationship; time alone or with others; time to relax or be creative; time to read, listen to music or have fun? These are just a few of the possibilities.
2. Think about times when you have felt happy, good, or content. Where were you? Whom were you with? What were you doing, thinking or experiencing that made you feel happy?
3. Decide to make more time in your life to do more of what is important to you and makes you feel happier. To be happy, you have to make happiness a priority in your life.
4. Start with little things and work up to bigger ones. Little things might include reading an engrossing book for 15 minutes; taking a walk; telephoning a friend; or buying scented soap, shampoo, candles or tea that you will enjoy every time you use them.
5. Focus on what is positive about yourself, others and life in general instead of dwelling on the negative. Write down as many positive things as you can think of in a journal. Keep it handy to read over and continue adding to it.
6. Appreciate what is working in your life at the moment. In the major areas of your life, such as your health, job, love life, friends, family, money and living situation, what is going well?

*Tips

Ask other people "what makes you happy?" or "What is something that makes you feel good?"

It's okay to ask for professional help. Talk to someone, such as a psychotherapistm career counselor or spiritual adviser (minister or teacher) to help you sort out what would make you happy.

Read books on the subject of happiness. Wise people have been writing about it for hundreds of years. In the book-shop, look under psychology, spirituality or psychotherapy.

520 Know if Someone is Lying.........."

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Collins-Just-About-Everything-Succeed/dp/0007193718/ref=sr_1_2/026-8344327-3026057?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1188916893&sr=8-2

BUY IT! It's far more interesting than I first realised. Now I can spot a liar ha!

Copyright (c) 2000, 2003 eHow, Inc. and Weldon Owen Inc.

HarperCollins Publishers, Glasgow.

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